


And Now All Your Love's Been Wasted

by rainy_fangirl



Series: Affairs of the Heart [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Closeted Character, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/F, Homophobia, gay and sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 00:42:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14884361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainy_fangirl/pseuds/rainy_fangirl
Summary: It’s pride month, you should be happy. You want to kiss girls and your friends know, but that’s it. She knows, you wish she knew that the specific girl you want to kiss is blonde and is going to Germany, the girl you want to kiss cries into the front wheel of her jeep when she thinks you’ve fallen asleep in the shotgun seat.A continuation of "Walking With Her Head Down".





	And Now All Your Love's Been Wasted

It’s not a closet, it’s a cage. Everybody knows, everybody sees, nobody cares to mention it. Your dad looks at you disapprovingly when you’re out late with boys, marathoning Star Wars and burning report cards, but he still thinks its better than the time you snuck out your bedroom window to be with a cute girl and her friends. 

This girl, you still think about her. You played pretend for an hour and fifty minutes, and had the bruises to prove it. You pretended you could be happy, with her, that the consequences wouldn’t matter because you’re so goddamn enchanted with her, the peace you feel when you’re with her. You’re not sure if you’ve been in love before, you’re not sure, but she doesn’t give you the panic-drown-crying feelings everyone else has. You two were casual friends, at most, at least that’s what you tell yourself.

Your perfect world of expectations cracks, you should’ve expected it, from where you are now, it’s impossible, you were stupid to think otherwise. You blame the drugs, you blame the way they fuck with your brain and text ‘ya, I had to get a ride from my sister and climb through the window and still got hit for doing anything less than heterosexual, did you get home ok?’. You blame yourself for when you don’t know how to talk to her, how to comfort her when she desperately needs it. You don’t know what to do when she breaks down crying on the way home over how sick and tired she is of her family and her therapist. You don’t. You’re waiting, some sick part of you still thinks that maybe she likes you, maybe she’ll run away with you once you’ve graduated, family be damned. Maybe you could be happy, with her. She’s spending the summer in Germany and you’ll miss her out of obligation, when really nothing’s changed. You’ll count down the days until she comes back. 

It’s pride month, you should be happy. You want to kiss girls and your friends know, but that’s it. She knows, you wish she knew that the specific girl you want to kiss is blonde and is going to Germany, the girl you want to kiss cries into the front wheel of her jeep when she thinks you’ve fallen asleep in the shotgun seat. It’s pride month, the girls you’ve loved are wrapping themselves in flags, smiling because they’re allowed to. You watch, you try not to look when it gets too much, when you have to walk to the beach just to break down, just to lose yourself in the way the waves lap at the sand. You hate that she goes to pride without you, you hate that her bitchy hipster friends get their happiness while you have six years to wait before you can exist in the same plane. You hate the look they give you, all sympathetic and sad. The face the make when they nearly bring up pride but realize that you’re there makes you want to leave. You have a passport, you could, forming the fantasies will only last so long. Six years, you’ll go to pride in a beautiful city, you’ll kiss girls and leave the whole damn country behind you. You can wait.


End file.
